Look to the stars to medicate

"It's not hard to fail, it's not easy to win."
-S.W. / Cold.

Along with roller coaster of emotions that I go through trying to understand and deal with my lifes down moments I usually try and see the better part of things that I am and/or should be thankful for. When I really think about what I'm thankful for, it's definitely nothing like the pilgrims and indians would be sitting on there asses talking about that's for sure. Wow, look at me, I'm making references to holidays now, yippe. Anyway, right now I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be, on track with where I should head towards, friends with the right friends and in a relationship with a girl who I should be with. That doesn't solve all the stuff I'm stressing about!

I've got the stress of finding a job, which ok I'll admit that I am on picky bastard about this job thing. I do not want to work a really bullshit job that I have always told myself I won't end up doing, but on the other hand we have to do shit we don't always want to do.. I love how those classic sayings are starting to appear realistic to me now. I just really want the warm weather to get here, so that I can hopefully get in with a landscaping contractor to learn and get work with because if I had my way I'd do that all my life, just learn about plants/flowers and landscape that shit like a pro. Let me guess.., who say's you can't have it your way Nathan? The world doesn't like honest work anyone haha!


"She didn't come from the same world
See the same things, I can't deny
I bled on stages to get here, sent screams
Up to the sky"
-S.W. / Cold

My relationship with my girlfriend continues to go well, she's planning on staying where she is now, home with her mom and sister, she'll attend Sheppard and work for her mother's boyfriend as long as he keeps her employed, she'll have more support here and it'll be easier finacially and in my opinion much more comforting emotionally for her. I was very exciting when I not only read her blog about it all, as well as her telling me over the phone tonight. So, things are going to continue to grow between us, not that it was stopping.

In other random bullshit that I can type about I'd like to bring up that I have been on a Cold listening kick the past few days and it always brings out the good and bad memories when I listen to a good heartfelt song that Scooter has written with the pain and suffering of both good and bad that he himself has experienced in his lifetime.

"Why can't you look, why can't you look at me
See what I see
Why can't you feel, why can't you feel like
Me feel what I feel
Why can't you hurt, why can't you hurt like me
Taste the pain I feel"
-S.W. / Cold

I'm positive that if I keep thinking positive and continue to email my counselor that everything will be fine and I'll get through the holiday/winter sadness. At least I'm not on medication anymore and I hope to remain that way, which I have for a long time now. If I take another pill it'll be for love.

"Take another pill for love, let it open
Up your mind to
Be free again
Think of everyone you've lost, let them
Open up your heart to
Complete yourself"


Bring Love Bring Change.


-Nathan

Because I can't help but feel that it's there

It started to flood
Wishing, Waiting, Wanting
Phone calls and Texts
Remember that night
Tape ball
And a kiss
Breathing you for months
I’ve missed you
I can’t help but know
That we have this connection
This strong affection
Today might have been difficult
Tomorrow might be too
I don’t have any doubts or fears
Because now I’m with you

Cause it's always raining in my head

I hope you're proud of how I've grown, how I'm turning out. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you, that you were here with all of us, with me. Going through random stuff at times and then something just clicks, something hits me really hard and I'm triggered with emotion. Happy, sad, scared, fearful, confused, lost, regret. I'll always be able to say I've endured more than almost any other person my age will ever deal with in there entire life. Its something I have a constant battle with inside about if it's more good or bad that things happen to me early in life, that I experienced death, that Ive felt lose, that I've had to grieve and grow up faster than everyone else. There are people who have had it worse and people who haven't felt a thing close to the pain Ive felt over the last 8 years of my life. I wouldn't wish any of the pain Ive felt on anyone. I'm writing this because the holidays are always going to be hard for me. Each year its a tad less and less, but the pain always shows up. Would I do the things I did with you when I was younger if you were still here today? Would I have played a different sport? Would I be the same person I am now? I don't think anything would change, but I know I would have pushed myself so much harder to be the best I could have been while you were still here with me. I don't feel I gave you 100% of me. I feel like I have been trying to make it up since you've left me. I try to do what I can for mom, I protect her from what I think she needs protecting from and I do the same for Jonathan. I just one time wish God or you in some way would give me a sign that I'm going to amount to what you hope I amount to. I ask questions I have answers to, I get emotional about things that I honestly already understand, but it feels like it helps me inside to sometimes vent all this out. I love you and miss you so much dad. We all do.



Your words to me just a whisper
Your faces so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

'Cause its always rainin in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles
'cause my words get in my way.
I smoke the whole thing to my head
and feel it wash away
'cause i can't take anymore of this,
I want to come apart.
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
yet I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

One, breathe in to be free

I've got this best friend names Morgan and her and I last night were talking. We were talking about some of my posts as well as the section of her myspace where she's saying how she feels about today's world, and how I agree, and how we always get told to step down from defending ourselves, although we've been taught to do the exact thing all our lives, to defend ourselves.

Anyway, I just thought I'd post her own words that she has written for you to take a look at or just read and later talk shit on, either way her and I don't care, at least you'll read it or not and hear how we feel.

Here is the link:
MorganEpic





Well, that sums it up. Yeah, she's gotten a bit of hate mail, as well as mail from people who support what she's saying. I mean you've got to understand this, lots of the time when someone like Morgan or I or anyone is strait up saying how they feel, yeah we don't know all the technical bullshit with some of the stuff, but we know what we've been told, and shown all our lives about war, gas prices, the economy in general, as well as racism, etc. It's really something that's been pounded in our skulls. The reality of things is that you can't protect people from the world, and it sort of sucks, because there's a lot of stuff I don't want my kids to end up thinking is right just because the government or officials say is it. F*ck that. I want my children to believe what they want to believe of course, but I do want to do my best to let them know that what's always taught and said by the prude assholes that are leading america isn't always correct, and you are allowed and should stand up if you don't think it is.



Currently Listening:
Smile Empty Soul's their self titled cd.


Bring love. Bring change.

Here's Tom with the Weather

No real purpose behind this post other than posting it to tell you I'm on a Tool listening high.

And I felt like posting one of my favorite Tool song's lyrics.

Third Eye
By Tool

Lyrics are possible thanks to: Here's Tom with the Weather

[Third Eye]

-Bill Hicks:See I think, drugs have some done good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us. Do me a favor, go home tonight, take all your albums, all your tapes, and all your CDs, and burn them. 'Cause you know what? The musicians who made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years? Reeeeeeeal fucking high on drugs.-

-Today young men on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one conciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.-

-It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom is what it is, okay? Keep that in mind at all times, thank you.-

Dreaming of that face again.
It's bright and blue and shimmering.
Grinning wide and comforting me with it's three warm and wild eyes.

On my back and tumbling
down that hole and back again
rising up and wiping the webs and the dew from my withered eye.

{indistinct}
In Out In Out
Innnnnnnnnn!

{6:52}
-A child's rhyme stuck in my head.
It said that life is but a dream.
I've spent so many years in question,
to find I've known this all along.-

"So good to see you.
I've missed you so much.
So glad it's over.
I've missed you so much.
Came out to watch you play.
Why are you running away?
Came out to watch you play.
Why are you running?"

-Shrouding all the ground around me.
Is this holy crow above me.
Black as holes within a memory
and blue as our new second sun.
I stick my hand into his shadow
to pull the pieces from the sand.
Which I attempt to reassemble
to see just who I might have been.
I do not recognize the vessel,
but the eyes seem so familiar.
Like phosphorescent desert buttons
singing one familiar song... -

"So good to see you.
I've missed you so much.
So glad it's over.
I've missed you so much.
Came out to watch you play.
Why are you running away?
Came out to watch you play.
Why are you running away?"

(Prying open my third eye. 4x)

So good to see you once again.
I thought that you were hiding.
And you thought that I had run away.
Chasing the tail of dogma.

(Opened my eye 3x) And there we were (Opened my eye 3x) And there we were

So good to see you once again
I thought that you were hiding from me.
And you thought that I had run away.
Chasing a trail of smoke and reason.

{whispering voices}

(Prying open my third eye. 10x



In my opinion just amazing!



Bring love. Bring change.

Government is Another way to say Better...Than...You

Let's face is every time there is something good, it's made out to be bad. Either by the government or by everyday prude ass people all over.

I have a fairly open mind.

But, not all people are me.

So.... even posting this won't get my point across now will it?

Just read it, shoot the shit on it later.

I'm headed up to Charlie Brown's in WV tonight with my cousin Erin. They've got the basic "redneck" gear for hunting, camping, fishing, that sort of stuff... as well as a whole smoking accessories section, which may I add is fairly big.

And I started searching random shit about how people claim that people have died from smoking up Mary Jane.

The results...

LMAO ROFL

=)

Now, just to show you some of the stuff I've read here's a link to a site where someone is posting info so you will know if your children are smoking up. LOL. Enjoy =)


IS YOUR CHILD?


Now, to all those prude assholes.

Read this shizz, which is also posted on that site in defence of tok'n up.

EAT IT!

All that needs to be said.



Currently Listening:

I and I By Soulfly



Bring love. Bring change.

Just...

Just a few seconds away from everyone, from everything.

We've all felt like our day was shit from the start on one occasion or another. If you haven't then, hell you must have a perfect life, you must live in a 300,000+ home, fancy things, college diploma's, a smoking husband/wife, you're children are honor students and they're presidents of their class, and you absolutely love your job, right? I've got news, that doesn't exist... for ANYONE.

I hope that the intro to this blog didn't come off like I'm miserable or anything, because I'm not. But we all have those days and if you are reading this thinking, no not really, then you have must be a f*cking comedian, because I'm laughing at you, you're lying to yourself. My point is that somedays we get so worked up over something big, little, even things that aren't even a concern of ours, and it ultimately makes our day terrible. You just want to go home pack a bowl, and grab the liquor, you even take a shot for random shit, you might even drink a little something for your lazy dog that's starring at you as your light up, or some random ass fish you won at a carnival. F*ck it!

Last night was my evening of shit storms. I'll lay out the combination of things that created this storm. My 14 year old brother that is in that stage where it's he is a f*cking smartass. My ankle/foot has started to really become painful while walking on it and I'm not sure why, so that put me in a f*ck the world mood. And earlier we moved in my full size bed and my brother was given my twin one to replace his bunkbeds he'd had. OMFG! He was bitching about everything. At that point when he then started his bullshit attitude towards each and every person and I think each of us in the back of our heads said, "Jesus f*cking christ he is a bitch!"

Alls well in the end I suppose. I left some adventures out of the details, but they weren't as important as talking about my 24/7 male pmsing brother, he must have a huge vagine. =) jk. In the end I slept on my comfortable full size bed that I can actually lay out in and move around a lot more and feel like im smaller then the bed instead of vise versa.

And just to clarify, I love my brother with all my heart, he's just an ass sometimes. We all are at times.

Oh, one last thing, Im going to start posting what I'm currently listening to in my posts for now on, so you can feel free to explore my musical genre's.

Currently listening:
These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things
By: Death By Stereo



Bring love. Bring change.