Cause it's always raining in my head

I hope you're proud of how I've grown, how I'm turning out. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you, that you were here with all of us, with me. Going through random stuff at times and then something just clicks, something hits me really hard and I'm triggered with emotion. Happy, sad, scared, fearful, confused, lost, regret. I'll always be able to say I've endured more than almost any other person my age will ever deal with in there entire life. Its something I have a constant battle with inside about if it's more good or bad that things happen to me early in life, that I experienced death, that Ive felt lose, that I've had to grieve and grow up faster than everyone else. There are people who have had it worse and people who haven't felt a thing close to the pain Ive felt over the last 8 years of my life. I wouldn't wish any of the pain Ive felt on anyone. I'm writing this because the holidays are always going to be hard for me. Each year its a tad less and less, but the pain always shows up. Would I do the things I did with you when I was younger if you were still here today? Would I have played a different sport? Would I be the same person I am now? I don't think anything would change, but I know I would have pushed myself so much harder to be the best I could have been while you were still here with me. I don't feel I gave you 100% of me. I feel like I have been trying to make it up since you've left me. I try to do what I can for mom, I protect her from what I think she needs protecting from and I do the same for Jonathan. I just one time wish God or you in some way would give me a sign that I'm going to amount to what you hope I amount to. I ask questions I have answers to, I get emotional about things that I honestly already understand, but it feels like it helps me inside to sometimes vent all this out. I love you and miss you so much dad. We all do.



Your words to me just a whisper
Your faces so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

'Cause its always rainin in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles
'cause my words get in my way.
I smoke the whole thing to my head
and feel it wash away
'cause i can't take anymore of this,
I want to come apart.
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
yet I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said