Passion

Oh, wow. I fucked up. Have you ever stumbled upon something, legit stumbled upon something, not walked into a room with the intent of looking for something in particular, but seen something that caught your eye and started reading it or looking into it, whatever it may be? Yeah, I just did that. Honestly, I'm sort of hurt, not to sit here and complain or be a "bitch" about it, but I sort of am really hurt inside, but I suppose things could be worse, worse things could have been written, more detail could have been noted in that flimsy black notebook that I shouldn't have even picked up and flipped pages through. Ugh, my stomach is like telling me to get the hell out of this situation now. I hate it, but what is my heart telling me, well what I feel its telling me is to ask her about it, but is it worth it? Is it going to create a false answer to come from her lips, or is it going to then create tension & worse, bring him back into her thoughts again. I like to think I'm pretty trusting of people, and maybe that's my downfall. As right now, I sit typing this and I can almost feel myself getting more upset, but am I in the right or wrong to be upset, if anything I think she'll be more upset with me, once I tell her, which has to be relatively soon, like today or tomorrow, or else if I am not holding the right composure, will probably note that something's off. Well, never mind because I made the mistake of responding to one of her texts, and then adding on "Can I ask you something, a question I brought upon myself." That was a mistake, I can't do that to her, like I can't tell her I read some of it, especially while she's at work, that's just not cool, I'd hate to have to "deal" with something or feel stressed about something while at work. She's with me for a reason, not him, if she wanted him she'd be with him. If he was any form of guy that deserved her, he "might" have her, but from what I've been told, he may have had some good qualities, but in the end he wasn't a very nice guy, a nice guy isn't someone who toys you around, sleeps with you, creates a false pretense of feelings in your head, and then when you know it's not a good situation and pull away, and realize certain things about that person, and move or, or try to do so as well as you know how, then you want to show up in her life and confess some sort of "I want a relationship with you now" now that I've already sort of taken what I wanted from you and seen that I don't have someone steady to go hang out with and sleep with, no dude, sorry I don't know you, but fuck you. I'm getting a lot more livid about this than I imagined I would, not a good quality to possess in the moment. She responded when I said, "actually ignore that, it's no big deal" which clearly wasn't the right use of words either. She says "Noo, tell me." Well, I think if I do tell you at all it'll be through you reading this or me talking to you in person, not through text, the better way is in person. I take the "serious" things we speak about, like the fact that we do like each other, that you do tell me you like me a lot, and see this going into the future ( you don't know how far, well shit I don't either ) but we're both giving our best efforts, and as far as I was aware it's going well, things are smooth and you are happy, I know I make you happy, I can see it on your face, hell your sister and family has told me I make you happy to my face with their own lips. But, in the event that it's all wrong, that sucks. I hope Jesse isn't an issue, I've asked you before, but I brought the paranoia upon me, myself. All because I read those 4 or 5 pages out of curiosity and with a smile on my face hoping I'd see something nice written about me, who knows, but I didn't go into your room looking for trouble, or any of your personal shit, I really don't know what I was doing, I just I'm here alone at the moment, your mom just left and well, I went upstairs walked into your room, for some stupid reason layed down on your bed and then noticed the notebook beside your nightstand, in the moment I just went for it, like oh whats this, I am sorry.