"I wish the rain were your whispers
the blanket folds for your arms
placed protectively around me
no longer wool and yarn…
the creaking steps are your snores
descending you to deep sleep
I lie awake contemplating
these small memories I keep…
a picture patched together
made from my reminisce
and all the loud little things
that I will always come to miss."
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Entanglement
"A slight tongue twister tangled in my thoughts
brain bending backwards threatening rot.
I can’t figure you out,
You know what I’m talking about.
I’m still in square one .."
brain bending backwards threatening rot.
I can’t figure you out,
You know what I’m talking about.
I’m still in square one .."
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Aye
I cannot tell you how many times my heart has stopped today
thinking perhaps you went out of your way
to tell me you’ve decided to stay
and rearrange my entire day
by stopping by to say
you wont wish me
away.
thinking perhaps you went out of your way
to tell me you’ve decided to stay
and rearrange my entire day
by stopping by to say
you wont wish me
away.
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Difference Between Medicine And Poison Is In The Dose
The Difference Between Medicine And Poison Is In The Dose
-Circa Survive
Move one inch at a time.
Don't make shit rhyme.
Would it be easy to repeat the first line?
My mind's not a well;
It won't run dry.
Just keep drinking water and you'll be alright.
This is paralysis with no time at all to let go.
Well don't call me by my full name,
And all this is temporary.
It feels much better to know that you won't feel a thing.
Well don't talk about it;
Write it down but don't ask for help.
I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
Accomplishments are transient.
They pulled me in unremittingly.
Just lasting this long,
I feel relieved to let repetition save me.
Well don't call me by my full name,
And all this is temporary.
It feels much better to know that you won't feel a thing.
Well don't talk about it;
Write it down but don't ask for help.
I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
Move one inch at a time.
You'll be just fine.
Move one inch at a time.
You'll find...
They pulled me in but accomplishments are transient.
They pulled me in but accomplishments are transient.
Well don't call me by my full name,
And all this is temporary.
It feels much better to know that you won't feel a thing.
Well don't talk about it;
Write it down but don't ask for help.
I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were...
Did you ever wish you were...
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
I've absolutely loved that song ever since I heard it 3 years ago. And I never analyzed it so much as I have tonight. Anyway, that's not the point. I can't sleep, well I could, but I can't seem to sleep comfortably or for very long without waking up. My heads a mess right now. I'm frustrated, and uneasy about all sorts of things.
It seems to be when I feel good about our relationship (that being both of us) that then it really does take 2 steps back. I am right in having heard what was spoken to me. Earlier on you had once told me that yes, you came back home to be with me. I'm sure there is more to that, but you ultimately did it because you cared for our friendship, which we knew was far more than that, and look what it's become. Beautiful.
I can't tell you the amount of things I've learned about myself and about a relationship. The things I now think far more about than I ever have. How I think through things just a little bit more because I try to play out how you would feel, or what your opinion would be. It's been not only one of the best things to ever happen to me, but also one of the most unforgettable and important things to me.
I'd always considered myself a pretty mature person for my age, but you learn more about yourself when you are around a certain person or people. Don't get me wrong, sure I still think I was mature, but I grew from the level that I was on, I grew a lot. I like to think we both did, together, as well as in our own individual ways. Just like we should. After all we're only human.
The point to this post, well what is it? I wish I knew. Maybe it's just so you'll read it. Maybe it's so it'll pass some time and I'll have better luck with this next attempt at sleeping. It could even be just to reflect. I guess it's all of the above, maybe more.
You're right ya know. I mean the things you say to me wouldn't be coming out of your mouth if they were generated out of experience, past, present. Why does a guy like me deserve this girl that you are. This gorgeous girl, who is very smart, not just book smart, but smart in all sorts of ways that one should be. There are far too many adjectives and compliments to ever cover the spectrum that you are. You are you.
So, tomorrow will come, although it's already 4:34 A.M. Monday morning. I've got to produce twice the effort I've been giving towards employment and find a job or as sad and pathetic as it sounds; love won't be enough.
-Circa Survive
Move one inch at a time.
Don't make shit rhyme.
Would it be easy to repeat the first line?
My mind's not a well;
It won't run dry.
Just keep drinking water and you'll be alright.
This is paralysis with no time at all to let go.
Well don't call me by my full name,
And all this is temporary.
It feels much better to know that you won't feel a thing.
Well don't talk about it;
Write it down but don't ask for help.
I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
Accomplishments are transient.
They pulled me in unremittingly.
Just lasting this long,
I feel relieved to let repetition save me.
Well don't call me by my full name,
And all this is temporary.
It feels much better to know that you won't feel a thing.
Well don't talk about it;
Write it down but don't ask for help.
I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
Move one inch at a time.
You'll be just fine.
Move one inch at a time.
You'll find...
They pulled me in but accomplishments are transient.
They pulled me in but accomplishments are transient.
Well don't call me by my full name,
And all this is temporary.
It feels much better to know that you won't feel a thing.
Well don't talk about it;
Write it down but don't ask for help.
I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were...
Did you ever wish you were...
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
I've absolutely loved that song ever since I heard it 3 years ago. And I never analyzed it so much as I have tonight. Anyway, that's not the point. I can't sleep, well I could, but I can't seem to sleep comfortably or for very long without waking up. My heads a mess right now. I'm frustrated, and uneasy about all sorts of things.
It seems to be when I feel good about our relationship (that being both of us) that then it really does take 2 steps back. I am right in having heard what was spoken to me. Earlier on you had once told me that yes, you came back home to be with me. I'm sure there is more to that, but you ultimately did it because you cared for our friendship, which we knew was far more than that, and look what it's become. Beautiful.
I can't tell you the amount of things I've learned about myself and about a relationship. The things I now think far more about than I ever have. How I think through things just a little bit more because I try to play out how you would feel, or what your opinion would be. It's been not only one of the best things to ever happen to me, but also one of the most unforgettable and important things to me.
I'd always considered myself a pretty mature person for my age, but you learn more about yourself when you are around a certain person or people. Don't get me wrong, sure I still think I was mature, but I grew from the level that I was on, I grew a lot. I like to think we both did, together, as well as in our own individual ways. Just like we should. After all we're only human.
The point to this post, well what is it? I wish I knew. Maybe it's just so you'll read it. Maybe it's so it'll pass some time and I'll have better luck with this next attempt at sleeping. It could even be just to reflect. I guess it's all of the above, maybe more.
You're right ya know. I mean the things you say to me wouldn't be coming out of your mouth if they were generated out of experience, past, present. Why does a guy like me deserve this girl that you are. This gorgeous girl, who is very smart, not just book smart, but smart in all sorts of ways that one should be. There are far too many adjectives and compliments to ever cover the spectrum that you are. You are you.
So, tomorrow will come, although it's already 4:34 A.M. Monday morning. I've got to produce twice the effort I've been giving towards employment and find a job or as sad and pathetic as it sounds; love won't be enough.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Look to the stars to medicate
"It's not hard to fail, it's not easy to win."
-S.W. / Cold.
Along with roller coaster of emotions that I go through trying to understand and deal with my lifes down moments I usually try and see the better part of things that I am and/or should be thankful for. When I really think about what I'm thankful for, it's definitely nothing like the pilgrims and indians would be sitting on there asses talking about that's for sure. Wow, look at me, I'm making references to holidays now, yippe. Anyway, right now I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be, on track with where I should head towards, friends with the right friends and in a relationship with a girl who I should be with. That doesn't solve all the stuff I'm stressing about!
I've got the stress of finding a job, which ok I'll admit that I am on picky bastard about this job thing. I do not want to work a really bullshit job that I have always told myself I won't end up doing, but on the other hand we have to do shit we don't always want to do.. I love how those classic sayings are starting to appear realistic to me now. I just really want the warm weather to get here, so that I can hopefully get in with a landscaping contractor to learn and get work with because if I had my way I'd do that all my life, just learn about plants/flowers and landscape that shit like a pro. Let me guess.., who say's you can't have it your way Nathan? The world doesn't like honest work anyone haha!
"She didn't come from the same world
See the same things, I can't deny
I bled on stages to get here, sent screams
Up to the sky"
-S.W. / Cold
My relationship with my girlfriend continues to go well, she's planning on staying where she is now, home with her mom and sister, she'll attend Sheppard and work for her mother's boyfriend as long as he keeps her employed, she'll have more support here and it'll be easier finacially and in my opinion much more comforting emotionally for her. I was very exciting when I not only read her blog about it all, as well as her telling me over the phone tonight. So, things are going to continue to grow between us, not that it was stopping.
In other random bullshit that I can type about I'd like to bring up that I have been on a Cold listening kick the past few days and it always brings out the good and bad memories when I listen to a good heartfelt song that Scooter has written with the pain and suffering of both good and bad that he himself has experienced in his lifetime.
"Why can't you look, why can't you look at me
See what I see
Why can't you feel, why can't you feel like
Me feel what I feel
Why can't you hurt, why can't you hurt like me
Taste the pain I feel"
-S.W. / Cold
I'm positive that if I keep thinking positive and continue to email my counselor that everything will be fine and I'll get through the holiday/winter sadness. At least I'm not on medication anymore and I hope to remain that way, which I have for a long time now. If I take another pill it'll be for love.
"Take another pill for love, let it open
Up your mind to
Be free again
Think of everyone you've lost, let them
Open up your heart to
Complete yourself"
Bring Love Bring Change.
-Nathan
-S.W. / Cold.
Along with roller coaster of emotions that I go through trying to understand and deal with my lifes down moments I usually try and see the better part of things that I am and/or should be thankful for. When I really think about what I'm thankful for, it's definitely nothing like the pilgrims and indians would be sitting on there asses talking about that's for sure. Wow, look at me, I'm making references to holidays now, yippe. Anyway, right now I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be, on track with where I should head towards, friends with the right friends and in a relationship with a girl who I should be with. That doesn't solve all the stuff I'm stressing about!
I've got the stress of finding a job, which ok I'll admit that I am on picky bastard about this job thing. I do not want to work a really bullshit job that I have always told myself I won't end up doing, but on the other hand we have to do shit we don't always want to do.. I love how those classic sayings are starting to appear realistic to me now. I just really want the warm weather to get here, so that I can hopefully get in with a landscaping contractor to learn and get work with because if I had my way I'd do that all my life, just learn about plants/flowers and landscape that shit like a pro. Let me guess.., who say's you can't have it your way Nathan? The world doesn't like honest work anyone haha!
"She didn't come from the same world
See the same things, I can't deny
I bled on stages to get here, sent screams
Up to the sky"
-S.W. / Cold
My relationship with my girlfriend continues to go well, she's planning on staying where she is now, home with her mom and sister, she'll attend Sheppard and work for her mother's boyfriend as long as he keeps her employed, she'll have more support here and it'll be easier finacially and in my opinion much more comforting emotionally for her. I was very exciting when I not only read her blog about it all, as well as her telling me over the phone tonight. So, things are going to continue to grow between us, not that it was stopping.
In other random bullshit that I can type about I'd like to bring up that I have been on a Cold listening kick the past few days and it always brings out the good and bad memories when I listen to a good heartfelt song that Scooter has written with the pain and suffering of both good and bad that he himself has experienced in his lifetime.
"Why can't you look, why can't you look at me
See what I see
Why can't you feel, why can't you feel like
Me feel what I feel
Why can't you hurt, why can't you hurt like me
Taste the pain I feel"
-S.W. / Cold
I'm positive that if I keep thinking positive and continue to email my counselor that everything will be fine and I'll get through the holiday/winter sadness. At least I'm not on medication anymore and I hope to remain that way, which I have for a long time now. If I take another pill it'll be for love.
"Take another pill for love, let it open
Up your mind to
Be free again
Think of everyone you've lost, let them
Open up your heart to
Complete yourself"
Bring Love Bring Change.
-Nathan
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Because I can't help but feel that it's there
It started to flood
Wishing, Waiting, Wanting
Phone calls and Texts
Remember that night
Tape ball
And a kiss
Breathing you for months
I’ve missed you
I can’t help but know
That we have this connection
This strong affection
Today might have been difficult
Tomorrow might be too
I don’t have any doubts or fears
Because now I’m with you
Wishing, Waiting, Wanting
Phone calls and Texts
Remember that night
Tape ball
And a kiss
Breathing you for months
I’ve missed you
I can’t help but know
That we have this connection
This strong affection
Today might have been difficult
Tomorrow might be too
I don’t have any doubts or fears
Because now I’m with you
Cause it's always raining in my head
I hope you're proud of how I've grown, how I'm turning out. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you, that you were here with all of us, with me. Going through random stuff at times and then something just clicks, something hits me really hard and I'm triggered with emotion. Happy, sad, scared, fearful, confused, lost, regret. I'll always be able to say I've endured more than almost any other person my age will ever deal with in there entire life. Its something I have a constant battle with inside about if it's more good or bad that things happen to me early in life, that I experienced death, that Ive felt lose, that I've had to grieve and grow up faster than everyone else. There are people who have had it worse and people who haven't felt a thing close to the pain Ive felt over the last 8 years of my life. I wouldn't wish any of the pain Ive felt on anyone. I'm writing this because the holidays are always going to be hard for me. Each year its a tad less and less, but the pain always shows up. Would I do the things I did with you when I was younger if you were still here today? Would I have played a different sport? Would I be the same person I am now? I don't think anything would change, but I know I would have pushed myself so much harder to be the best I could have been while you were still here with me. I don't feel I gave you 100% of me. I feel like I have been trying to make it up since you've left me. I try to do what I can for mom, I protect her from what I think she needs protecting from and I do the same for Jonathan. I just one time wish God or you in some way would give me a sign that I'm going to amount to what you hope I amount to. I ask questions I have answers to, I get emotional about things that I honestly already understand, but it feels like it helps me inside to sometimes vent all this out. I love you and miss you so much dad. We all do.
Your words to me just a whisper
Your faces so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear
'Cause its always rainin in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
So I speak to you in riddles
'cause my words get in my way.
I smoke the whole thing to my head
and feel it wash away
'cause i can't take anymore of this,
I want to come apart.
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
yet I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
Your words to me just a whisper
Your faces so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear
'Cause its always rainin in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
So I speak to you in riddles
'cause my words get in my way.
I smoke the whole thing to my head
and feel it wash away
'cause i can't take anymore of this,
I want to come apart.
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
yet I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
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